‘Tis the Season…

Tis the season for Celebration.. And Disappointment….And Anxiety…And Resilience

It's a tough time to be a parent and a tough time to be a kid. There’s a lot going on: ACT/SAT results, early action and early decision letters from college. Some of our kids will be celebrating, others, not so much and yet more playing the anxiety-inducing waiting-game. Oh, and throw in the Holidays..

In other words: lots of messy, entangled feelings - yours and theirs.

And that’s normal. There’s a phrase for it: empathic resonance. We literally feel the pain of those close to us. Nowhere more so than when it comes to our kids. We also feel their joy but it's the pain part that tends to trip us up. The edges of their pain and ours gets fuzzy. Blended. Entangled. “Spaghettied”.

When there is something going on with them we get big feelings. Which makes it hard to show up in a way that fosters learning and resilience (theirs and ours!). So much of what we instinctively want to do gets in the way: that’s what makes a disappointment or a setback a sucky experience rather than a growing (and sucky) experience. 

So what to do? A lot less than you think, a lot less than you want:

• Drop your agenda

• Witness

• Show your kids what it is like to “feel felt”.

Sounds simple, actually really hard to do. 

Here’s something I went through with my kid. 

She got dumped by her new “friends” early on in her freshman year of college. She felt crushed and humiliated, a total failure and a loser. Transitioning into college was really hard for her and now THIS. Coming after weeks of homesickness and anxiety, it felt like a mortal wound for both of us. So I scooped her up and brought her home.

I was terrified she wouldn’t go back and terrified what would happen if she did. The primeval urge to make her feel better was overwhelming, as was the urge to put some serious hurt on those you know whats, that begins with a B. It felt like a literal tornado in my guts and boy, I wanted it to STOP. I know you know some variation of what that feels like: we’ve all been there in some way or another.

I’m going to call something out here, which is uncomfortable for us parents to hear: we want them to feel better so we can feel better too. It’s not the only reason, of course, but that’s the part of empathic resonance that steers us off track and into fix mode.

So back to THAT SUCKY WEEKEND. We spent most of it curled up on the sofa. Me trying to “simply” witness with compassion what she was feeling, holding her close and breathing into the pain as she wept, telling me she couldn't go back to college, that she was a failure, unlikeable, alone and much much more.

I was experiencing feelings of helplessness, panic, disappointment (what if she’s never ok?) dread ( what if it gets worse??), And then there was my agenda: I had to fix this so she would go back to college and we could both feel better. 

I knew I had to drop my agenda, and allow her experience.

(The agenda would have had me manipulating, steering and bargaining: fixated on a single outcome - get her back to college on Sunday night - success or failure.)

Simply being with her, holding her and listening: witnessing, created a safe place for her to navigate her way through. 

(No advice and no trying to rush her through the pain.)

What happened?

She experienced feeling felt, not feeling fixed. And the outcome? Not as important as what we both learned: she can recover from a deep wound and I can let her do it.

Here’s why this is so important: when we try to fix their feelings we are not allowing them to “feel felt”.  We are dismissing their feelings. Or, they become transactional - how many times have you tried to figuratively or actually “buy” a good mood or cheerfulness with a treat, a gift or a distraction. And the rub is, you believe you are doing the right thing: making them feel better. Which makes you feel better too.

What you get is a kid who believes they are not capable of handling a tough situation because we have never allowed them to try, and parents who think they have to fix everything because their kids have never proven themselves capable and the stakes are too high to risk them having a go. Because of our agenda and our discomfort with their pain.

The alternative approach allows them to fail, to feel bad, to experience and to learn. To build resilience.

The alternative is the tougher option. Will you get it right every time? Will they? Hell no, because you aren’t perfect and neither are they. But give it a go anyway - you might be surprised at what you all learn.