ABOUT ME
Crisis makes things really clear.
And the one my family faced forced me to question everything I thought I knew about being a good parent.
I had assumed my job as a parent was simple: love and protect my kids.
And I worked hard at it, believing this was something I had to get right. NO, I NEEDED to get right because I love my kids so much. And what I want most in this world is for them to be HAPPY. That’s the JOB of being a parent. That’s what matters. And my role was to DO what was necessary for THEM to the exclusion of everything else, including me and my happiness. And I needed to KNOW I was getting it right.
How?? Easy!
Check the boxes. Exceed the goals. Ace the tests.
We all know that’s the path to success, right? And if we did all those things, we would be happy, right?
Once I bought into that mantra, I couldn’t stop.
I had to keep at it because as soon as we accomplished one goal, there was another right around the corner.
From DAY ONE, that’s where my focus lay: tomorrow and what’s next. Anything accomplished today was in the rear-view by dinner. Progress IS the goal. Kids are tested and measured from the minute they’re born. Apgar tests. Growth charts. Developmental milestones. Grades. SATs. And their progress is how I’m judged as a mom. Weigh-ins at the pediatrician’s office. Humble-bragging at the baby group. Comparing/competing with the other soccer moms at games.
I had to get it RIGHT.
I had to breastfeed right, so my babies gained the right amount of weight and slept through the night. I had to enrich my babies right, so they would roll over, hold up their heads, and walk on target. I had to talk to my babies right, so they would smile, babble, and speak on target.
And wouldn’t all that mean they were happy?
So, I channeled all my powerful love into that job, doing everything I could do to make my kids safe, make them belong, and make them successful.
All I wanted was to make them HAPPY.
And we were nailing it! We hit every development milestone on time or … dare I say it, early (extra gold star for me). Sitting up at 5 months, walking at 11 months, reading at 3, multiplication tables in pre-k, all swimming and riding bikes before kindergarten, AP classes, musical instruments, and team sports.
We were well-behaved, had good friends, clean rooms and no tooth decay.
When the cracks first appeared I chose to ignore them. WE WERE DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT, so how could anything be wrong?
In fact, what looked perfect on paper was deeply wrong. The pressure to be perfect made performance more important than love.
And the constant drive to accomplish made achievement more important than THEM … than US.
Those cracks became gaping wounds. My youngest child, like so many others, could no longer hide the anxiety and trauma she was living with.
That’s right, she was hiding how she felt from me. I wasn’t safe. That truth gutted me.
How could I allow this to happen when I love her so much? How did I inadvertently create this crisis when all I had wanted was to make her happy?
All of my box checking was causing actual harm and had left her behind.
It was a huge wake-up call that made me all the successes in the rear view don’t count for much when your child is hurting.
It put me on the path to becoming a coach and a different kind of parent.
Crisis taught me…
A clean room and acing tests (be they baby growth charts or algebra) doesn’t mean your kid is thriving, let alone happy.
Perfection is impossible (and terribly boring, right?)
Protection doesn’t mean shielding kids from change or challenge.It means teaching them RESILIENCE in the face of change and challenge.
Love is experiencing my children as they are right now (versus who I thought they had to be) and supporting them through the curveballs life will throw their way.
Being a parent is the most important job you will ever have.
But the job description that lives in your mind needs to go. It focuses on perfection and performance, but creates isolation and anxiety instead.
So, let’s tear it up and create a new one that focuses on what matters most: authentic and connected happiness for YOU and YOUR KIDS.
Ready to write that new job description?
Schedule a confidential consultation with me.