It Wasn’t Supposed to be Like This

How many times have you found yourself in a state of mild to major disbelief at how things have turned out…? Seems to happen to me a lot….

I crave control to manage my fear. I’m an anxious planner: it's in my DNA. When things don’t turn out the way I planned for and hoped for I feel like an idiot. Actually, what I feel is shame: I AM an idiot for believing that things would turn out the way I want and if they are turning out the way I want I must be missing something. Either way I am an idiot: there is always a catch.

This bit of writing is not what I planned for my first post about my new website. It's about as far from what it was supposed to be as it could. But it's the piece I am writing because it’s where I am right now.

And where I am kinda sucks. I feel unmoored, lost, disheartened, angry and scared. And a lot of other things too but those are the major headlines. 

I bang on about resilience but mine feels pretty out of reach right now. This is PAINFUL. So what to do? 

Well it isn’t shopping. I tried that on Thursday. Didn’t work. Still feel crappy despite scoring some extremely premium and not spendy skin care at TJ Maxx. 

Renewing my UK passport yesterday felt like a power move. It’s good to have a Plan B (though ladies watch out: Plan B might disappear on you..).

Pretending it's not happening doesn’t seem like an option because this whole thing just takes up so much SPACE.

My emotional exhaustion and sadness are telling me to shrink, hide and give up. Be SMALL.

But when I imagine getting small and quiet, it feels off. So I am going to say NO to that.

I am a coach! I am supposed to KNOW how to do this stuff. How to be with this stuff. Turns out I don’t. The only thing I do know is to steer into my values which feel a bit dinged up and dented right now. FRAGILE even. But all the more reason to give them some TLC. And chocolate. 

So this is what I am choosing for myself:

Trust: I know I can do this, whatever it turns out to be.

Curiosity: I actually don’t know ANYTHING, so I am going to be curious and LEARN.

Trust, Curiosity and Learning: Chocolate for my Resilience.