F**K SHOULD

Who ever in the history of time said “ I should…” and felt good about themselves and whatever else was coming next in that sentence? 

And don’t “shoulds” always come with sighs and grimaces? … “ugh…well.. I should…”

“Shoulds” suck because they tell you -  YOU SUCK 

So I say fuck should. Oh, and while we are at it screw the itty bitty shitty committee (Should’s BFFs)  who take center stage in my head whenever I am contemplating taking a risk, putting myself out there or ruminating on a mistake. 

Why am I banging on about this? I was thinking about the upcoming year and a boat load of “shoulds” popped up like pimples and I immediately felt crappy and defeated before I had even got to making a list of what I wanted to focus on. 

Insight number 1: They have you feeling you already failed: “I should be generating $$$ in income by year end…that’s never going to happen. I suck”

The Holidays can be a time of year when all those “shoulds” get particularly pernicious and persuasive.

“My mantelpiece should look like Martha Stewart’s and my table should look like the Pottery Barn catalog.…”

Insight number 2: They get you focussed on all the superficial stuff even though you know Martha Stewart has HELP and there were no unruly dogs at the Pottery Barn photo shoot, you still feel crappy.

Before I amaze you with my insight number 3, let me tell you a tale of Thanksgiving and a small holiday party we threw in late December. 

Thanksgiving was completely imperfect and totally perfect: cooking together, laughing, zero centerpieces on the kitchen table (didn’t even think about setting the fancy dining room table), the gravy was bland, the oven timings off due to a last minute demand for yorkshire pudding and by 5pm the ladies had taken off squeezy bras and everyone was in pjs watching Tropic Thunder, laughing like drains and eating cake. 

The secret sauce? No shoulds, just love and connection. And amazing cake.

And then there was the holiday party… boy oh boy did the itty bitty shitty committee have a field day. Whilst the rest of the family went off to spend the day together (love and connection which I opted out of…) I CLEANED. I did a MASSIVE SHOP. I got TENSE. When they came home 30 minutes before guests arrived, there was SHRIEKING (don’t touch the cheese / don’t use the bathroom / don’t put THAT THERE!!). When the cat did a huge crap right at 6pm, well you can imagine. By the time my lovely new neighbors came over I was exhausted and wishing it was over. Why? Because all day I had been telling myself “I should..” and the only variation on that was “I shouldn’t..” The reason for the gathering, what I had wanted to create - a celebration of new friends, our new house and the holiday season  - had been tossed aside for how things should be and should look. 

Insight Number 3: When we focus on “should” we sacrifice connection. 

Connection to ourselves and connection to others. This is what happens when all you can think about is how the house looks and whether the food is perfect, rather than who is gathered around your table. 

We had a lovely evening but I dealt myself a whole barrel of stress and anxiety that simply was not worth it. And where had I stuffed my authenticity while I was prepping the house? It was probably hiding in one of the overstuffed closets with all the other clutter I was trying to hide so I could look good.

Insight Number 4: “Should” is a burden we lay upon ourselves and others.

It occurs to me, while my efforts were mostly (all) about me I was also judging my new friends by assuming they would be judging me if it didn’t all look magazine ready. Huh.

 Insight Number 5: “Should” = Judgement.

What’s more… how many times have we sagely opined “well she should… “ while knowing nothing about what she is actually experiencing but believing we know it all and know best.

Insight Number 6: “Should” rates belief above curiosity and compassion.

Lesson learned.

Well, maybe not completely learned. Pretty sure I will let the “shoulds” take over again (because I am not perfect !), but maybe I will catch myself listening to the itty bitty shitty committee a tad sooner and remember to ask myself what do I want instead? 

So for this year I am going to experiment with replacing  “I should”  with “I want”.  What do I want to create in my life and in the lives of those around me? Not what I or they should be doing.

I found another one! 

Insight Number 7: They also specialize in predicting the future - “I should have known…I shouldn’t have expected..”

Pernicious, Persuasive and Everywhere! You know there are more….

But for now Fuck SHOULD. That’s my resolution.